coming back

everytime you walk away, you take a piece of me with you there

2009-10-20T03:32:00.000-07:00

Every time you walk away or run away
You take a piece of me with you there

Oh it seems like I’m walking right to your door
With my hearts still resting, looking for something more
Are you ever going to see everything you mean to me?
I’m trying very hard to believe

Nothing feels right when I’m left here on my own
Left last night
It seemed like I waited too long
Are you going to ever see everything you mean to me?
I’m trying very hard to believe

Come back to me
You smile and you make my life complete

OKAY so this song is the absolute best song i've ever heard before. hmmm actually not really. it just ranks top in my song-to-listen-to list. SOMEONE, ANYONE who reads this go listen to it. its called everytime by linkin hawks. yes, surprisingly, i heard it on gossips girl. No no, don't let your jaws drop in shock at this absurd statement of a guy watching gossip girl.
whoa, so now, its like less than a week away from o's and yes, i'm still blogging, slacking my entire time of at home. time to get out and get a life, i suppose. still, living in the fantasy world is a good escape from the harsh reality of life. sometimes, life is just too hard to contemplate and well, the fantasy world offers a good shelter from the full brunt that is about to come. pfft, forget about that good life, an entire stack of work is still waiting right by this very computer, reminding me over and over again about the need for me to get my ass off the com and start doing something productive. therefore me being such a good, trained student of MOE shall get of the com, at least try to, and start working hard.
ahhh the habit of ten years prevents me from working!!! but yes yes, i shall slowly trudge my way through the work. Check the obituaries soon. my face will finally appear on the newspaper. till then, i shall be holed up at home. RIGHT! time to work. such a mundane life:(

when i fall in love

2009-10-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or Ill never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely
Or Ill never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.

AHAHA awesome song. yes yes, i'm back drearily to keep this blog alive.
today was awesome, heh, spent some time with my most most awesome best friend. AND i studied so much okay? like two and a half papers in a day. what a record. anyway, o's are like super super near, less than ten days away!!!
GOSH! why didn't anybody tell me! crap i am screwed luh. its sooooo close:( i need a miracle to happen!
okay okay. back to studying. i think i should post more tmr. then again, its only a maybe.

No more insecure

2009-10-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Should i or should i not post. a question i post every single time i go online. and this time, the right one prevailed. So here i am.
so there is nothing much to post about. i graduated on friday. so now its my study break(: how very awesome. sleep-ins and late nights(: but still its fifteen more days to o's and now, even i am kinda scared. i really want to get in to that jc. pffft.
SATURDAY
woke up really late, then studied a little bit before going to meet audrey. Apparently Eunice was sick so she couldn't go[which neither me or han believed]. During service, i had a good talk with sis esther before going back into the service and catch the finally part of the identity point. Despite it being only for a little while, it was real good. hey, you best friend, speaks to you ya?:D hope you payed attention instead of being so distracted like last week. had dinner with cell, but i played my PATAPON:D so didn't really talk to them. Sorry guys :/ went home with audrey again. thought about a lot of stuff on my way home. nice and quiet bus ride. i guess, as much as i want you to change[no, i don't mind you just the way you are actually], i have to change too. so ya, as hard as it is going to be, things will work out(: And it finally comes down to here. As promised to keller and then audrey, i'm doing my work. yes. so late at night, what a miracle eh? NOOO not slacking. i finished a paper one before posting okay!!

Insecurities are a scary thing. They grab your freedom to trust and really turns things sour for everyone, so yes you, sorry!
anyway, going back to study so i'll post another time.

2009-10-06T04:35:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just can't help but see thing the way they are even though you may know that somehow or another they are not. is it just me or am i thinking too much? what exactly are things between you guys?

-edit-
Its your will done here. I should stop doubting what happens when because when you plan it to be, it will come to pass. It kinda sucks how sometimes, things just doesn't seem to go your way and yet you really want it to go your way. You just feel oh so irritated, disturbed yet in that turmoil, in that moment or doubt and confusion. It cuts through, with words read, with feeling felt and faith that you struggle so hard to hold on too. you know that you should trust, have that faith. because its in the hard times when God is proved strong, when you see Him for who He really is and how He really is. An awesomely great and faithful God. Even if sometimes i doubt you, know that it'll pass. i'm going to start believing in you and You more. start, no continue trusting. for that breakthrough i know will come.

2009-10-05T03:41:00.000-07:00

wow, i have been coming to this blog to post so often. not that bad eh?

sometimes do you have somethings seem to be just nothing but a figment of your imagination yet its so real, it seems so real that it feels like its coming to pass, that its happening right now.

do you have that instances when you just have flashbacks on the things that happened before something so similar to what you think its going on now, you're just so afraid that it might come to pass? and that no matter how much you try, its just so hard to trust that everything will be okay, sometimes, its just hard.

I'm going to trust. Trust that everything is going to turn out well
that in the midst of the storms and clouds, that hope will come peeking through them like the sunlight. slowly creeping behind all these doubt and insecurities, always there and revealing itself in its full glory when we finally clear the hindrances.
i hope it really happens.
so right now, i'm going to trust. one last time. prove me right please?

2009-10-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

WALK ON WATER
You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
You wonder

What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

Chorus:

So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes in you
You can walk on the water too

Verse 2:
So get out
and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away

If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go

(Chorus)

Bridge:
(Step Out)
Even when a storm hits
(Step Out)
Even when you're broken
(Step Out)
Even when your heart is telling you, telling you to give up
(Step Out)
When your hope is stolen
(Step Out)
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting for?

what am i waiting for? some miracle to happen? i don't know. i have to curb my insecurities. no, they aren't going to alter me

2009-10-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

Insecurities abound again.
Is this the way you act all the time or is it just a facade you put up?
i never get the way you think, and sometimes, it just makes me wonder, am i what you say i am?

OOPS random much right?
bury deep deep the emotions
today was extreme. my mum at first didn't allow me to go to study with my AWESOME gay partner, han but at like after her service, she suddenly allowed me to go. OH OH something happened before that. hee:D remember that promise you make okay?
STUDYING WAS FUN:D stupid han made me wait for so long all the time. so next time if anybody ever ask him out, make sure you tell him the time fifteen minutes earlier. so then we sat down at swirl and started studying. so after a while, this girl sat right at the bench outside swirl. so somehow or another, me and han kept talking about her. and like I said the girl was looking at me. since han is han, he kept saying that she isn't. BUT it was proven wrong. he looked once and yes! that girl was looking at me-.- MUAHAHA. so i dared him to wink at the girl for an ice cream then he kept acting big saying he'll do it. BUT YOU DIDN"T HAN! hahaha. SUCKER:D

God, He has been great i guess. now that i am making that effort to u-turn back, he has been helping me, making everything so much easier. telling me, affirming me with things i once knew but forgotten or never accepted. during worship, with the multiple thing occupying my mind, silently and quietly almost as if he isn't there

'don't worry about the what is because I am the I am'
and i won't worry about the what is, or what is supposed to be. because if God want things to turn out this way, i'm sure there is a perfectly fine reason which our human mind cannot comprehend behind the whole thing. so i'm going to trust. not her, not them but you. Knowing things will turn out perfectly fine with you behind the wheels.

2009-10-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

HAVE YOUR WAY
Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seems.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So i`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And i feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So i`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
Whoa-oh..

And i`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won`t forget.
Whoa-oh
You love me.
Have your way.
Yeah

Somehow i randomly came upon this song and coincidentally its on janella's blog too O.o But its a good song(:
But yes, i'll trust you God in where you are leading me to, that your plans for me and nothing less than the best. that as bad as situations might seem now, its in your hands. and its going to turn out well.
P.S. you ain't stuck between me and them okay. i'll talk to you soon, don't worry(:

Facing the giants

2009-10-01T05:41:00.000-07:00

Praise God when we loose, praise God when we win. Praise God when we fall, praise God when we get back up. Praise God when we are alone, praise Him when we are not. Praise Him when things are right, praise Him when things are down.
is this the time when i find myself? is this the time when i find out who my friends really are?

thanks Eunice, for being here for me(: i know i'm a damn sickening case :/

-edit-
What is this, my best friend is kept from me. I wanna talk to you soon. promise me it really is SOON okay? i'll be waiting. and HOPEFULLY not loosing faith and trust.[considering the circumstances with the other people] talk to you soon yeah?:D

hmmm, met a new friend:D Name's called pongpong the penguin. JUST HOW ANTI CLIMAX IS THAT! but nevermind, its entertaining. the broken english and all:P okay okay, i shall start on revision now(:

till another time.

2009-09-30T03:12:00.000-07:00

a desert, a place with endless stretch of sand.
a desert, a place with nobody
a desert, a place where the sun beat so harshly upon and water is rare
a desert, a place where something really minor seems so blown up
a desert, a place you feel so dry and tired you don't feel like moving
the endless multitude of sand and dryness, the earth's sea.
when trapped in a desert, direction doesn't seem to matter, everywhere is just a plain stretch of sand. mirages occur. they get your hopes so high making you think you can get refreshment, but it turns out to be nothing but a illusion. shades offer little rest from the blistering heat. you think you can get out by walking in that direction but days stretch and stretch and you don't seem to see the end.
now does that paint a picture of torture? despite this, many people still crosses the desert. how is it that they constantly go through so much yet make it out without any trouble.
linking it back to our spiritual life, nobody would want to get stuck in that desert right? where it's even harder to get out of. as much as we don't like it, its not a choice, we have to be in there sometime. like when Moses led the people into the desert, they could have gone out but its cause of their choices that make them get stuck in it for forty years. So is it that in the same way, our choices determine how long we spend in the desert period? if so, then what are the choices we could have make and can make to get out of this season.
Revelations 3:7
What He opens no one can shut and what he shuts no one can open. 8 i know your deeds. See i have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my words and have not denied my name
Haggai 2:9
'the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty. 'And in this place i will grant peace.' Declares the Lord Almighty.

i will trust one more time. let this hope and this friendship pull through. i would love to run away with someone i can trust, where we wont' be judged.

All by myself

2009-09-25T03:47:00.000-07:00

"All By Myself"

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don't wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

Awesome song. i know now, i'm not alone. a lifetime commitment to God, to my friend. Once again, i give my life to you, Lord. This lot in life, its yours to do whatever you want and you will with this small, minuscule life. thank you too for the friends you have given me. even the friends that have turned their back since they in their own small way have changed my life somehow or another. Its not going to be easy so please, give me strength for the trials ahead. I'll be facing the giants.
-edit-
prelims are just over! gosh, but i don't any elation despite the exams finishing. probably just cause another major exam is coming up. O'S!!! In one month's time. gosh, how sucky is that? another one hard month of studying, getting scolded at by my mum because of my suckish results! man. hope it goes by faster. then i get my holidays and promised two weeks:D ohhh, the freedom that beckons.

judgment?

2009-09-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

Don't pass me by [planetshakers]

My heart it longs
My soul it thirsts for more
For more of You

I'm reaching out
I'm waiting here for more
For more of You

Cause all
I want is You
And all I need
Is to be here with You

I'm hungry
For Your fire
I'm desperate
Your my one desire
Jesus
Please don't pass me by

Cause I need You
More than ever
I'm thirsty
For a touch from heaven
Jesus
Please don't pass me by

Don't pass me by
I'm desperate for You

thing have happened, strange, painful things have happened. and in this season i need you more than ever. to let your ever plentiful love envelop me in the judgment of people, that i know what is important is how you see me as but not how people look at me. For the great friends you have provided, thank you. i don't know what i can do right now without them.

i can't get why is it that you guys can judge people yet not judge people that 'belong' to you, don't you think it really screwed up that this kind of things happens because of the rumors YOU spread and that you people didn't even bother taking a good look at the accused but believe without a doubt what HE said? Isn't that kind of screwed up. and YOU, a sp, judging people behind their back. Ask yourself. are you any better than the people you are judging? what makes you think that you can judge when you are not even THAT perfect sp?
my faith in humanity has been severely shaken. Thanks for proving to me that really, right now, we can't just trust anyone.

i need Your light, to light up this dark night. will you come? i'm gonna persevere, not letting what people think to affect me. i'll be found in you. i'm walking back, wait for me.

2009-09-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the start of my prelims [actually two papers passed but not counted luh] and the endless nights and days of studying. the worst two months of my life will be starting in about five and a half more hours and great, i hope i'll finally feel the urge to study like mad. i have been lagging behind, to my utter disappointment, spiritually as well as academically. What is happening :/?
oh yeah, its going to be a boring four more days till Monday morning. hopefully i will be able to wake up on time :/

A drought
a really dry drought
Am i going to get through it and survive to make it out on the other side or are things going to turn out worse?
i'm gonna have faith, faith that God'll pull me through this season and let me emerge victorious. faith to stand up after every fall. i believe.

-edit-
SHUJING studies for four hours straight!!! HOW DO YOU DO SOMETHING THAT OBSCENELY HARD!!!! OH MY GOSH. if only i had that kind of concentration :/ okay okay, back to studying. pffft.

2009-09-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

heylo! so i've got a revelation here for all you people out there!
a song dedicated to keller ong

Nobody like you
everything hates you
you're gonna eat some worm
big fat juicy worms
small thin slimy worms [thats keller by the way]
you're onna eat some worms!

HAHAHA done:D so now you people will know what is the true meaning behind the small, thin, slimy worm! hee:D

i'll be back to edit more later:D tata

2009-09-01T03:08:00.000-07:00

and that is how it goes. with life's many ups and downs that sometimes when you are down, you never feel like wanting to stand up yet when you are up, it does seem to feel like you're invincible eh?
A rut, a setback, a detour, a hindrance, a blockage, a barrier. whatever it is we seem to be going or have gone through sooo much of these infuriating things, which is sometimes seemingly like more than we can handle. but hey, i believe that He will bring us through these, when i'm not sure but i know He will, and here i am, get on with it, God. bring on the other trials.
it kinda sucks when you don't see the end of things, or that light in the tunnel. That this season just do not seem to be ending and i really doubt it will be ending anytime soon.

these few days, honestly has been really boring for me. the endless checking of the phone, always thinking that, hey, a message might come in, which you know the ending for it. it never does. so its twelve more hours to it. or is it eighteen? but i'll see then if i mean that much to you that you'll send it. cause right now, i don't know what i am to you. not after that day :/

i'm still learning here, that not everyone is perfect, that everyone will fall short of expectations
That the world will never see us as what they always expect. that we fail at times, more than often to be a good friend and for those that i have let down, i'm sorry.
[Although I'm not enough to fulfill all my obligations as a son, a brother, an SP, a friend, a student
I'm enough to be God's child]
quote from gideon(:
and yeah, i'm really glad, to know that out of all these, God doesn't not judge, and never will cause He loves us completely and fully in his complete and perfect love. its true that yes, you know me really well and all but sometimes, you still don't understand how i feel and sometimes it feels like you don't try either.